After the initial incident I believe we all suffer with shock and disbelief that this could have happened to us. But it did and addressing it is something that should be done sooner rather than later.
My own experience left me in a dark hole for 10 months, one which was the safest place in the world. Initially I was drunk all the time, I changed my hair colour and I put on weight. The weight was helped by my choice of alcohol and the prescribed drugs I was given.
If it hadn't been for the strength of my children. close family and friends I don't think, in fact I know I would not be here today,
This was not the most vulnerable time for me, although I was extremely vulnerable. My brain went into overload and just switched me off. For me this is the best way I can describe it.
SELF HARM
We all self harm in different ways, initially mine was to drastically change my appearance and get drunk into oblivion. This didn't help me because the alcohol acted as a depressant and made me worse.
I then took to scratching my skin till it bled, tried hair bobbles with the little metal strip on, had them on my wrist constantly and pinged them just to feel the pain.. When this didn't work I went and had tattoos done, even these as large and colourful as they are were done without me feeling a thing. And I didn't use the magic gel, each tattoo represents a path on my way to recovery.
Do I regret them now? No I don't I know they are there and I know what each one symbolises for me.
SHAME
I just know that I felt so ashamed that my husband could have been so brutal to me. And for him not to care made it even more hurtful. At this point I just wanted to sleep in peace and had no desire to fight my way back to health. Everything I did or wanted to do was just to sleep and not to have to face what had been done to me. What made it worse was his abuse of me while I was trying to escape down the road.
I don't think anyone, unless they have been through this can explain or understand that feeling of shame and dirtiness that comes with this sort of assault.. It doesn't just go away its there for a long time, never knowing whether or not it was you that caused it...
You look at yourself, in a mirror if you can, and feel degraded and debased. I myself never looked in a mirror because after the initial look and seeing what had been done to my face where he tried to suffocate me was more than I could bear. I didn't know what my faced looked like till I managed to get away from him and into the safety of the rented property he didn't know I had.. When I looked at my face I told him I was gonna show his mother and he replied that she would say I deserved it. The shame that I feel, although I have been taught to believe it is not mine, haunts me constantly. How could a man who professed to love me more than any woman he had ever loved have been so brutal, he tried to kill me, then he wouldn't let me leave till he had what he had paid for then he followed me down the road hurling abuse at me. Well I hope he feels better for it as its a night I will never forget, it haunts me constantly.
The most important thing to remember out of all of this is the shame is NOT YOURS, its his. He is the one that took advantage of you and made you do things you didn't want to do and when your life is at stake you will do anything to survive in those split seconds you have to make a decision.
ANGER
Right now I am so angry I don't know what to do with myself. My counsellor tells me that I must find a way to channel the anger I feel into something positive but I am so angry inside I feel like a volcano ready to explode.
I am angry that he is still walking around and doesn't feel the pain I feel and isn't paying for what he has done to me.
In some ways it would be easier to behave like a child and scream, shout, thrash my arms and legs about just to release the terrible emotions. Then I am not a child and I have to learn to deal with these feelings and to put in place safety measures in which I can transfer the anger instead of internalising it and taking it out on myself.
Since it happened I have gained 5 stone, changed my hair colour and tried to become invisible. The fact that I suffer from agoraphobia doesn't change the fact that I want to remain invisible whilst at the same time I want to be heard.
I WANT THE TRUTH TO COME OUT.
ACCEPTANCE
No I will never accept what has been done to me, and why should I? I did nothing wrong.
What I have learned to do with the help of my Rape Crisis Counsellor is to put things in place to protect me.
To consider consequences of the actions and choices I make.. Believe me when I tell you how hard this has been. Initially, still during my black period, I had no trust for my counsellor whatever, yet with her skills and devotion to helping me we finally got to a point where I could trust her implicitly. I knew that to get better I had to go in there and tell her the truth about all that was happening and everything I was feeling.
©DDesinz do not copy