Since my Rape Crisis Counseling ceased in January 2005 I feel even more that I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I am still, as I type this, unable to function properly in the normal world.

The lack of support available for people with Mental Health problems in general is abysmal to say the least.  As you can't see the illness people as a whole tend to think you should just pull yourself together and get on with it.  It's true to say that I was one of those people until this happened to me.  All through my life I have just picked myself dusted myself down and got on with it.  I would never have believed that nearly 4 years on I would feel like I do, and that in itself adds to my state of mind.

Several things happened at the end of last year that set off an overwhelming feeling in me that life is no longer worth living.  I no longer know who I am or where I fit into the world anymore.  I have wonderful family and friends who have supported as much as they can.  Their lives go on and have gone on since the attack happened to me, while despite everything mine is still stuck in the period of my attack.

I feel let down by the Police, CPS and Justice system as a whole,  Mental Health Services and other Community Care groups.  Whilst on better days I understand their resources are stretched, the feeling of just being dropped is hard to overcome.

The Police have a lot to answer for.  In my case my ex tried to suffocate then refused to let me leave the room till he had what he wanted.  I was so terrified I just laid there and let him do what he wanted.  When I was interviewed by the Police they insisted it was rape, and I went to the Rape Suite that day.  All my clothes were taken and the room it happened in was sealed off and evidence taken from there.  The CID Officer who interviewed me even said that if I didn't speak up this could happen to someone else!  Trying to put pressure on me, I was in so much shock at that time that I shouted at him not to do that to me.  They never pursued the attempted murder but concentrated on the rape only.  I was so traumatized by everything I took an overdose, then was in hospital for 6 weeks before I was able to give a statement regarding the rape side of the assault.

To my horror at the end of last year, I had an official letter stating that the Police said I did not help with forensic evidence and anyway I consented to sex, therefore I wasn't raped!!  

You can imagine how I felt.  I wasn't the one who said I had been raped it was the Police's decision to make a rape charge.  I made a formal complaint and the Inspector at the station involved was so condescending and had a really awful attitude.  Its no wonder rape goes unreported.

Just previously to receiving this letter I had an encounter with my ex, who admitted he wanted to kill me that night.  Gave his reasons and apologized, then he wanted forgiveness.  I was unable to give forgiveness, I am not ready to do that yet.

This culminated in me taking another overdose at the beginning of December 2005.  Unfortunately I wasn't successful and am still here, struggling with everyday.  My Reiki Healer said its an overdose gone right as I am obviously meant to be here as I still have something to accomplish.

You may think I am a coward or stupid.  Live a day in my shoes, understand that I have tried really hard to combat what has happened.  Don't judge what you have never been through.

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